Category Archives: Business

Re: the necessary return of Tab Clear

Dear Muhtar A. Kent,

You are on a roll baby! *high five*

Taking away and then reintroducing Vanilla Coca-cola (the best kind of Coca-cola) was a genius move. Torture us without it for a few years and we’ll be salivating like rabid dogs at its return to the UK. I salute you. I’m glad you listened to the students on The Student Room petitioning for it back. They are muchos happios.

As a marketing specialist myself I wanted to make a suggestion. It is time to bring back Tab Clear.

Twenty years ago people weren’t ready for it. Their primitive unevolved minds couldn’t comprehend transparent Coke. But I could comprehend Mr Kent. And evolution of the human race has meant that two decades later, it is time.

No need to thank me, as CEO of The Coca-cola Company you’ve brought me many a joy over the years, usually in the form of lorries with Christmas lights on.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

Re: nature valley crunch bar commuter hell

Dear Boris Johnson,

As the face, soul, hair and voice of Transport for London I write to you about a plot to disrupt the wonderful system you’ve built for us. This threat comes in the guise of a biscuit.

For two weeks it’s been impossible to leave a London train station without discovering that OMG a Nature Valley crunch bar has been softly placed into the palm of one’s hands under the pretense of “free trial”. Picture enclosed for ease of reference.

This must STOP. Eating a Nature Valley crunch bar is without doubt one of the least pleasant experiences known to mankind. Like eating dried saw dust glued together with a flavourless glucose syrup to form a crunchy culinary fright. Worse, eat one, then BAM, there’s another one of the nasty things in the bleeding packet :’-(

Don’t get me wrong, I love a freebie. For crying out loud I’ve eaten five of the horrible things since they started forcing them on us because I’m greedy. That’s what they’re counting on.

Think of the greedy little children! Think of the greedy tourists who see Nature Valley crunch bars as a gift, welcoming them to the Olympics. A gift guaranteed to slap them round the face with its passive aggressive, choke inducing, moisture sapping crunchiness.

Stop them Boris!

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

Re: your amazing glasses / hair / eyebrow combo

Dear Nick Buckles,

I imagine now is a trying time for you as CEO of G4S so I thought I’d send you a little ray of positivity.

While you were being questioned about the G4S Olympic security blip, it didn’t escape my notice sir that you have incredible style.

That flowing mane of hair, those fabulously maintained eyebrows, all set off with perfectly placed glasses and a spectacular surname.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington