Dear Rennee-Jlover4Life,

I had to write to you. I had to.

Having just read your letter to J-Lo titled, A Belated Birthday Wish From A Fan, I couldn’t believe that someone had put down in writing precisely how I feel about our idol, Jennifer Lopez.

When I got to this line I was simply nodding at my monitor, smiling with a teary eye. I was feelin’ so good:

You have been such a huge part of my life. I have cried, laughed, lost, learned, and through it all YOU have been there… You have done it all — dancing, music, movies, fragrance line, clothing line, producing.

Thank you for putting into words what I have struggled to explain for over a decade. This one’s for you:

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington
p.s. my favourite J-Lo film is The Cell. So mesmerising.

Dear Geri Halliwell,

Congratulations on recently registering an account on Twitter. I’m very grateful for your written messages of love, peace and hope on Instagram. It was a tough week but you’ve helped get me through. This message in particular struck a chord.

Anyway, enough prittle prattle. The reason for my letter to you is to ask whereabouts you filmed the Mi Chico Latino video? I enclose it below for ease of reference.

Only I’m off to Ibiza next week and would like to visit this historic pop spot. Due to the urgency a prompt, accurate and cheeky response would be much appreciated.

Send my love to George Michael.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

Dear Ms Nicki Minaj,

I write to you concerning a concerning concern. I am concerned.

Here’s the deal. I used to think Lady Gaga was 100% pushing the boundaries of pop. But you, Nicki Minaj, GURL, are making her look like 60% boundary pushing. Perhaps even 50%.

She is only at passport control while you’re sailing through to hotel check in on the back of a luggage cart. With no brakes. Waving. Waving at Gaga. And Madonna behind her of course. Way behind her.

So here is the crux. You, you Ms Minaj are WACK.

Wack in the amazatron sense. Your look is wack, your albums are wack and your tweets are even wacker. On the wackter scale you’re off the flippin’ charts bebé!

Riddle me this: if I thought Lady Gaga was extreme, and your extremeness desensitised me to meat dresses and weird horn prosthetics, to what level of loon does Lady Gaga now have to take it? Does she literally have to be mad?

I am not only concerned but also worried.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

Dear Cheryl Cole,

I’m writing to let you know that I very much enjoyed your new video for “Call My Name” (enclosed for ease of reference). Have you thought of renaming the song “Cole My Name”? I have.

If you were to ask me to rate the video I’d definitely give the opening 51 seconds a perfect 10/10 and the rest of the video a near perfect 9.5/10.

Your pineapple coloured baggy trousers from Camden Market are particularly en vogue. Although I can’t help but notice you wear the trousers in one part of the video and when wearing the matching jacket you appear to have lost the trousers. I hope you find them again.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

P.s. Have you considered changing your surname back to ‘Tweedy’? It’s more unique than ‘Cole’ or your new thing of not having a surname. Without a surname people might thing you are Cheryl Baker.