Dear The Queen,

What is one to do? One, as I need not tell one, does not simply waltz into battle without the right weapon and what kind of weapon is Englebert Humperdinck!

Some of your loyal peasants’ attitude towards Eurovision, your majesty – excuse my fruity language here – stinks.

We send Englebert Humperdinck to compete with THIS:

Your majesty is the only power in the land capable of rectifying this situation. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber tried. That buffoon Pete Waterman tried. One fears that even Sir Simon Cowell and Sir Gary Barlow would come a cropper if they tried.

One appeals to you to act, your majesty. On the eve of your Diamond Jubilee, when you are at your most ultimate powerfullest. Act fast and act hard. As Sir Kylie Minogue once said, “your disco needs you.” Never have such words been more appropriate in a letter.

Please your majesty… Elizabeth… choose something monumentally good for Eurovision 2013.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington