You are on a roll baby! *high five*

Taking away and then reintroducing Vanilla Coca-cola (the best kind of Coca-cola) was a genius move. Torture us without it for a few years and we’ll be salivating like rabid dogs at its return to the UK. I salute you. I’m glad you listened to the students on The Student Room petitioning for it back. They are muchos happios.

As a marketing specialist myself I wanted to make a suggestion. It is time to bring back Tab Clear.

Twenty years ago people weren’t ready for it. Their primitive unevolved minds couldn’t comprehend transparent Coke. But I could comprehend Mr Kent. And evolution of the human race has meant that two decades later, it is time.

No need to thank me, as CEO of The Coca-cola Company you’ve brought me many a joy over the years, usually in the form of lorries with Christmas lights on.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

As legendary visionaries I can only thank you for showing us that the future is all about MASSIVE swings.

Rihanna’s MASSIVE swing

Lana Del Ray’s MASSIVE swing

Next time I visit Yorkshire (you won’t know it, it’s near Lundun) I too am going to find a MASSIVE swing in the middle of nowhere and I am going to swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing and swing… and so on.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

As you’ll know I am a huge fan.

When you said “This is the dawn of a new genre of music: COCK POP!!!” about your album I never in a million years would have appreciated the magnitude of this claim.

I mean your new single Die Young:

Is absolutely 100% different to We R Who We R from your last album:

G£NIUS

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

I’m awfully sorry it’s been 11 years since I last spoke to you. You know how things are; you’ve been busy, I’ve been busy.

So pleased to see your acting career going from strength to strength. Well done! Riddick, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, is there anything you haven’t done?! We’ll be going to see Dredd 3D this week. I hear it’s your best yet!

Do you remember the time we came to see you in London and you asked us to lift you up? How we laughed! I found the photo the other week…

I like the pattern on your shoes.

It did remind me though, how light you are! Very light. Are you still light? Is it because of your wings…

ROTFLOL, couldn’t resist

Anyway, hope all is well and that. Take care Karl… Nice one!

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

It’s not that I hate you, it’s just that I pity you.

You could have had your own Jurassic Park on your hands with Transformers. You know, something everyone in the world thinks is amazing. Unfortunately you managed to make three rubbish films wasting a huge opportunity three times. Three times!

Don’t get me wrong, the robot fights were cool, especially the last hour of the last film. Nothing however makes up for unfunny comedy. Nothing. Not forgetting that you completely missed the point of Transformers. You Doof.

I thought I’d help you. I’m going to give you a sensible ultimatum. First play the new PS3/Xbox 360 game Fall of Cybertron from start to finish. It’s an incredible game that completely wipes the floor with all of your films. Here’s a little trailer:

Then, realise you will never be able to make something as good as this and either a) give up making films b) at least put the breaks on your involvement in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. FOR THE LOVE OF SPLINTER, PLEASE!

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

I’ve been putting two and two together and getting one. One pop star who returns every decade with an amazing song. One chart topping smash. One Natalie Imbruglia. One Natalie Imbruglia in a world of many personalities. You see, I think I’ve rumbled you, you sexy pop minx! *cheeky wink*

Your amazing pop secret is that you are in fact none other than… *drum roll followed by reading aloud all in one breath* Lisa Loeb, Meredith Brooks, Vanessa Carlton, Alanis Morissette, Sheryl Crow and quite possibly Carly Rae Jepsen. I put forward the evidence in the enclosed pop music videos.

Here’s your video to Torn:

Here’s your video to Stay (I Missed You):

Here’s your video to Bitch:

Here’s your video to A Thousand Miles:

Here’s your video to Ironic:

Here’s your video to If It Makes You Happy:

This is the only video that’s throwing me. It’s definitely got a touch of the Imbruglias about it… I’m fairly sure this is also your video for Call Me Maybe but with a remixed donk on it.

Please don’t worry though, I do not intend to blackmail you. Your secret is safe with me and your songs live on forever Natalie. Or should I say Carly Rae

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

As the face, soul, hair and voice of Transport for London I write to you about a plot to disrupt the wonderful system you’ve built for us. This threat comes in the guise of a biscuit.

For two weeks it’s been impossible to leave a London train station without discovering that OMG a Nature Valley crunch bar has been softly placed into the palm of one’s hands under the pretense of “free trial”. Picture enclosed for ease of reference.

This must STOP. Eating a Nature Valley crunch bar is without doubt one of the least pleasant experiences known to mankind. Like eating dried saw dust glued together with a flavourless glucose syrup to form a crunchy culinary fright. Worse, eat one, then BAM, there’s another one of the nasty things in the bleeding packet :’-(

Don’t get me wrong, I love a freebie. For crying out loud I’ve eaten five of the horrible things since they started forcing them on us because I’m greedy. That’s what they’re counting on.

Think of the greedy little children! Think of the greedy tourists who see Nature Valley crunch bars as a gift, welcoming them to the Olympics. A gift guaranteed to slap them round the face with its passive aggressive, choke inducing, moisture sapping crunchiness.

Stop them Boris!

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

I drew the enclosed picture of you today. I know it’s not quite a Neil Buchanan but it’s of you smiling.

Why? I watched your new documentary today at the IMAX. The one in Waterloo. They say it’s the biggest cinema screen in the UK. I’m not so sure; I thought the Odeon in Slough was bigger. Although *laugh* I haven’t been there since I was ni…

… oh no! Sorry, really put my foot in it there! Weren’t you nine when your parents were murdered? Argh, I’m making it worse.

I’ll move on. Your documentary was most enjoyable and insightful.

Thrilling though it was to see the life of a civilian crime fighter such as yourself however, I was upset to see that you are still as sad looking in this third and final episode. I believe you can fight crime with a smile on your face. It’s OK to smile, you’re doing a good thing quashing thugs and lowlives. I assume many to be on crack or some other illegal class A drug. Possibly even petty theft or fraud.

Look at the other enclosed picture, Xena: Warrior Princess smiling.

Please, whenever you hit those gun wielding ruffians, think of my picture (and of Xena) and know there is at least one person (and Xena) who thinks this is reason to smile. Cheer up twinkle.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

I had to write to you. I had to.

Having just read your letter to J-Lo titled, A Belated Birthday Wish From A Fan, I couldn’t believe that someone had put down in writing precisely how I feel about our idol, Jennifer Lopez.

When I got to this line I was simply nodding at my monitor, smiling with a teary eye. I was feelin’ so good:

You have been such a huge part of my life. I have cried, laughed, lost, learned, and through it all YOU have been there… You have done it all — dancing, music, movies, fragrance line, clothing line, producing.

Thank you for putting into words what I have struggled to explain for over a decade. This one’s for you:

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington
p.s. my favourite J-Lo film is The Cell. So mesmerising.

I imagine now is a trying time for you as CEO of G4S so I thought I’d send you a little ray of positivity.

While you were being questioned about the G4S Olympic security blip, it didn’t escape my notice sir that you have incredible style.

That flowing mane of hair, those fabulously maintained eyebrows, all set off with perfectly placed glasses and a spectacular surname.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington