Dear Cheryl Cole,

I’m writing to let you know that I very much enjoyed your new video for “Call My Name” (enclosed for ease of reference). Have you thought of renaming the song “Cole My Name”? I have.

If you were to ask me to rate the video I’d definitely give the opening 51 seconds a perfect 10/10 and the rest of the video a near perfect 9.5/10.

Your pineapple coloured baggy trousers from Camden Market are particularly en vogue. Although I can’t help but notice you wear the trousers in one part of the video and when wearing the matching jacket you appear to have lost the trousers. I hope you find them again.

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington

P.s. Have you considered changing your surname back to ‘Tweedy’? It’s more unique than ‘Cole’ or your new thing of not having a surname. Without a surname people might thing you are Cheryl Baker.