Dear Boris Johnson,

As the face, soul, hair and voice of Transport for London I write to you about a plot to disrupt the wonderful system you’ve built for us. This threat comes in the guise of a biscuit.

For two weeks it’s been impossible to leave a London train station without discovering that OMG a Nature Valley crunch bar has been softly placed into the palm of one’s hands under the pretense of “free trial”. Picture enclosed for ease of reference.

This must STOP. Eating a Nature Valley crunch bar is without doubt one of the least pleasant experiences known to mankind. Like eating dried saw dust glued together with a flavourless glucose syrup to form a crunchy culinary fright. Worse, eat one, then BAM, there’s another one of the nasty things in the bleeding packet :’-(

Don’t get me wrong, I love a freebie. For crying out loud I’ve eaten five of the horrible things since they started forcing them on us because I’m greedy. That’s what they’re counting on.

Think of the greedy little children! Think of the greedy tourists who see Nature Valley crunch bars as a gift, welcoming them to the Olympics. A gift guaranteed to slap them round the face with its passive aggressive, choke inducing, moisture sapping crunchiness.

Stop them Boris!

Kind regards,

Jack Wallington